Those damn fruit flies.

I haven’t written a blog post in over one month – not because I had nothing to say or have been too busy to write, but because I got scared.

You see, I sat down about one month ago to write a post for our one year anniversary [yay us!!!]. I wrote and deleted. Wrote and deleted. Wrote more and deleted more. Had I been writing by hand, there would be piles of paper crumpled up in my recycling bin. Thankfully, I’m able to hit delete instead of wasting paper.

It’s hard to give voice to the things in life that have so much meaning [like parents moving after twenty-two years, a trip to Italy, etc.].

How do I begin to capture 365 days of marriage on paper? Should I talk about all the funny moments, like that time I ran with my biking helmet while Jeff rode two bikes? Should I highlight our adventures, like that time I was scared I was falling to my death from a mountain?

Should I be sentimental and sappy and share all the reasons that I love my husband?

Should I share the hard times, revealing that marriage is a lot of work? And that we have a lot to learn?

As you might have guessed, I wrote about all of those things. I even found some quotes that have inspired and encouraged me in this journey of marriage.

And then I hit delete. Again and again.

When I write, it is comforting to know that the delete button is there. I can write my deepest thoughts, fears, worries, mistakes, dreams and goals.  And then I can delete them. No one sees them unless I choose to publish. With one click, I can hide them away. And that’s exactly what I did with those last six or so posts. I mean, how could I put our relationship out there [er, here] in a way that was both authentic and light-hearted? Not too sappy or serious? A post that doesn’t make single folks feel annoyed or lonely? A post that adequately expresses our joys, victories and adventures of the year?

I was scared to post because I wanted so much for it to be perfect.

After hitting delete a bunch of times [and then a few more], I stopped writing. For one month. All because I didn’t know how to perfectly convey our first year of marriage.

But it’s been bugging me, kind of like the fruit flies in our kitchen right now. No matter how hard I try to cover up the produce and wipe down the counters, the fruit flies are still there. And so is this post.

It’s still here. And it’s still messy. It’s still imperfect.

And you know what? So am I. And so is our marriage.

In marriage, the mess is revealed. Unlike writing a blog post, I cannot hit delete when I want to hide my imperfections from Jeff. I cannot hit delete when I am scared to share my deepest fears and dreams with him.  I cannot rework my body before I show it to him.  I cannot backspace my weaknesses away.  I cannot hide myself by never writing. I have to “publish”. I have to put it [fears, dreams, love, myself] out there. I have to be vulnerable, naked and exposed. And it’s hard.

And it’s so worth it. To be fully seen, blemishes and all, and still fully loved is the greatest gift any human being can receive.

To be loved in this way reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And that my dreams are worth hearing. And that my fears can be both valid and challenged. My stories are worth telling. My worries can be stilled. My mistakes can be forgiven. And my imperfections make me human.

My hope is for you, married or not, to experience the kind of intimacy that invites and truly calls you to receive love just as you are. So here’s to publishing, dancing, sharing, loving, dreaming, making mistakes and not deleting.